Thursday, April 14, 2016

"The Most F’d Up Thing About My Biological Father’s Death Is, I’m The Only One..."

“The Most F’d Up Thing About My Biological Father’s Death Is, I’m The Only One Mourning Him! He Wasn’t Entirely A Monster. He Had His Moments When He Was Such An Awesome Father. He Partially Taught Me To Be Spiritual & How To Have A Relationship With God. He Tried To Be A Good Father. He Broke Down & Cried Many Times Begging For My Forgiveness. It’s Hard For Me! Because In A Perfect World He Would Have Sought Professional Help & He Would Have Done All The Things Necessary To Repent. He Would Have Worked Hard To Be The Father That I Deserved… And We Both Would Have Our Happy Ending. It’s Really Hard For Me. Because I’m The Only One Mourning Him. I Love Him! I’ll Always Love Him! I’ll Always Believe Even To This Day, That In The After Life, He And God Are Together Are Making Him A Better Soul. I Tried To Hate Him And All That Did Was Make Me Very Unhealthy. I Can’t Stop Loving Him. I’m Probably The Only One In The World Who Prayed And Had This Faith And Belief That God Would Miraculously Give Both Him & Me A Happy Ending. I’m The Only One Who Probably Believed That The Good Part Of My Biological Father Would Win Out In The End. So When I Found Out He Died… I Was Feeling A Spectrum Of Emotions. I Didn’t Have To Fear Getting Hurt By Him. Happy That A Weight Had Been Lifted From Me That I Didn’t Know Was There Before. Yet Totally Devastated That My Dream For Him & Me Will Never Happen. All These Emotions Raining Down On Me Like A Billion Of Noah’s Flood. Then Tears I Had Never Cried Before Rained Down Like A Trillion Of Noah’s Flood. I Still Can’t Describe The Emotions, Or The Tears. And Everyone I Want To Talk To Says, I Should Seek Help. I’ve Already Gone Through Two Cycles Of Therapy Throughout My Life… God’s The Only One That Worked! So I’ll Be Going Back To Him. My Ultimate Dream In Life Is To Master & Manifest Unconditional Love & Forgiveness. Aiming For That Dream Will Ultimately Heal Me! I Believe! May God Bless My Biological Father’s Soul As Well As Mine!”

- April-Liesel Binapri
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